whats fair?

I walked into my little friend’s  hospital room at Children’s Healthcare one afternoon only to see her Mom slumped over in a chair with her chin in the palm of her hand and a scorned look on her face as she stared wearily into her laptop computer. As I approached her to see where her mind was I saw her computer screen displaying her face book account. She looked up at me with those deep dark eyes that at the moment were filled with sadness and envy. “It’s not fair”, she simply stated, “it’s just not fair.” I didn’t have to even ask what wasn’t fair, she didn’t give me a chance as she blurted out that a couple of her friends commented how much fun they were having with their children at the beach.

“Why can’t that be me?!” Why is it always them?!” “Why do I have to be in this hospital room all the time with my baby who has cancer and is getting chemo treatments?!”

Whew!! How was I suppose to answer that when she looked up at me with anticipation of an answer, or at least I felt I should have one for her the way she looked at me.

It killed me inside knowing that I could not fix it for her or wiggle my nose and poof she and her baby girl would be at the beach instead of in the confined walls of that small hospital room. Or even that I could  make the cancer not be there at all. I can’t truly know exactly how she feels because I have never experienced having a child of my own that lay helpless in a hospital bed fighting for her life as she is being attacked by an awful disease. I just know what  I see as my friend wears the transparency of her emotions on her sleeve because she can no longer contain them and be the more private person that is normal for her.

All I could think to say is let God know how you feel because I know that He hurts just as deeply with you and life is not always about being fair. There are no right or good answers in a situation like that, the best one I can think of is that if you know Jesus and the truth of His Word then you have faith and trust to overcome those kind of emotions.

I’m not saying it will make it any easier when you see your friends comment on facebook about their fun times on the beach with their kids. I’m just saying that when our hearts are so full of pain that we feel like we can’t take it anymore, we can fix our eyes on Jesus and if we give our emotions over to Him we can truly feel Him place the warm loving palm of His Hand under our chin and tell us to come to Him when we are weary and burdened and He will give us rest and we will find rest for our souls. (Matt. 11:28)

Then my friend can take in a deep sigh, letting go of those weary thoughts and see a vision in her mind of playing with her little girl on the beach, laughing as her little feet run from the chasing waves and into her mommy’s arms. Daddy will be there with video camera in hand, filming the whole scene…..to put on facebook.

writng a bio…..

I am suppose to write a bio of myself for our writer/speaker group, She Disciples.

Should I write about my early 20’s having part ownership and driving a race car and that crazy lifestyle which sadly displeased my Dad? About getting hit on a motorcycle by a drunk driver and breaking both my legs and my back and my mangled leg that took four surgeries  and two years before walking on my own again?Then needing more surgery 35 years later? How about experiencing both of my parents dying at young ages and watching my 2 year old niece getting killed in a car accident? Should I add that I have had three failed marriages, the first one ending in physical and mental abuse and two others in adultery? Oh yeah, and what about my history of abortion and losing a couple of babies and then having to have an emergency hysterectomy and never being able to have any children at all and the guilt that I have endured over that?? And a couple of other things that I will keep private because I don’t even want to talk about them?

Oh, and what about getting immediately addicted to crack cocaine when my Dad died because I didn’t think I could take another breath of life without him whom I became so attached to after Mom’s death. I had no idea the man I was dating was a drug dealer and “had something that would make me feel better.” The next two years of my life I spent living with the devil on my tail as I pursued this life of drugs, losing a good job and my integrity and most of all pushing my Christian upbringing way down in the pit of my soul.

Then discovering at the brink of an overdose of drugs and alcohol that, after reaching up to God from the pit of my soul and begging Him to take my life, He had a plan for me to live and sent me help that got me into a rehab program. Even then it was several years later before I realized that I never had a true relationship with Jesus and asked Him for the first time to come into my life as my Lord and Savior and discovered a new life! I discovered that there is no high like the Most High and that His plan was for me to share my story with many people. That as long as I followed the path He has intended for me, He will give me opportunities to be used by Him.

How He gave me the verse, Joel 2:25 when I was so overcome with guilt from living such a life of sin away from Him when I could have been used by Him all those lost years.

“I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten…”

How in my life now I am daily overwhelmed with the power of Jesus working in my life and using me in ways I never imagined! How He has given me a passion for His faithful and truthful Word that guides me in my every day life. I now have constant communication with my Heavenly Father because of what His Son did for me on the cross.

That now when I raise my hands up to God it is not in desperation but in grateful praise that He loves me so deep that He will never leave me or forsake me, that no matter what I go through in this life He will be with me giving me strength to get through it. Whew! Praise the Lord!!!!!

Oh wait, a bio must be just a few short sentences describing myself. How about..

I once was lost but now I’m found. Pretty much sums it up for me!!

Thank you, Jesus!!